But I do think about it. I think about it every time I see Lan's handsome face. He's just as handsome as ever. Sure he has a few wrinkles now, but it wouldn't - it won't - matter to me when he's old and gray.
The stories we hear at work from time to time, the coworkers who stop showing up to work, the strange behavior we see on even rarer occurrences; all these things are also reminders - evidence that my theory about mental deterioration was correct. I guess as time passes more and more people will witness the effects.
I know that Lan worries about it too. Sometimes I catch a look on his face before he can compose himself. I'm pretty sure he is saddened by thoughts of not being here to see Jay past his teen years. Or rather, he's concerned about being here physically but not mentally. But like I said, Lan and I generally don't talk about it.
And I'm fairly certain that Jay is oblivious. I haven't had that, sure to be painful, conversation with him yet.
Iolani has always been a great father. For that matter Jay is a great son too. On the rare moments when Jay has lost his temper or shown his disrespectful, temperamental teen side, it's been directed at me. Probably because he's been cooped up more often with me than with his dad.
That's why I'm shocked to hear Jay's raised voice just now as I stepped outside to see where he'd gotten off to. I can't make out what he was saying at first. It's with concern that I follow the sound of his voice. Who could he be having an argument with?
As I approach the corner of the house I could hear what he was saying with complete clarity.
"-ENOUGH! DON'T LIE TO ME!" He seems to take a calming breath then, and when he speaks again he is a little quieter. But I can still hear every word. "Just be honest for once! I know something is going on! I'm not stupid! And neither is Mom!"
It was at the end of that sentence that I poke my head around the corner of the house, and I can see that the person Jay had been yelling at is Iolani.
I've never really had to give Jay any real punishment, because like I say he doesn't really misbehave. But I'm about to march over there and give him a good lecture, and I'm racking my brain for some privilege I can take away for a few days - books maybe.
But before I can take a step in that direction Lan's expression changes. A pained look appears. And is it just my imagination or does a little bit of guilt show? Iolani is speaking urgently, but quietly enough that I can't make out what he's saying. He points at his face, trying - I think - to convince Jay that he is being honest about whatever it is he's saying.
"- shouldn't tell your mother." Jay looks like he's about argue again. And I see Lan gesture for him to keep his voice down.
I'm so surprised to hear that they're keeping something from me that I automatically take a step backwards. I walk quietly back indoors to think things through. I just can't guess what it could be. I decide to just go back out there and ask them what they were talking - arguing - about. But before heading back out, I grab my old instant film camera. I had already told them I wanted to take a few pictures the next time Lan is here.
They've already started walking back towards the house when I get back outside. Lan saw me before Jay did. That's why I catch a glimpse of the heartbroken look on Jay's face.
Instead I just wave the camera for them to see.
"Can I be the cameraman?" Lan asks. His voice is cheerful as usual, so maybe it's really nothing. What I overheard must have sounded bad taken out of context is all. I'm probably over thinking things and over worrying as usual.
"Not a chance." I said. "Jay go stand beside Dad."
Jay's more than happy to do so, and I snap the first picture quickly. Lan was still reaching for the camera.