I keep turning it over in my mind - the pros and cons of using that little silvery potion I have stashed away. If only I knew exactly how much time I had before... before it might be too late to use it.
I know Jay is getting older, more mature, and more self-reliant. But it'll be a while yet, before he can really support himself.
I know Jay is getting older, more mature, and more self-reliant. But it'll be a while yet, before he can really support himself.
He's been on his best behavior since his nighttime, solo adventure. It's almost like he's determined to show me he's still my little boy. This makes me feel a greater sense of urgency about that potion.
After tucking Jay into bed tonight I headed outside to meet Lan as he's coming in from work. It's time to get this discussion over with.
After tucking Jay into bed tonight I headed outside to meet Lan as he's coming in from work. It's time to get this discussion over with.
But for some reason I find it difficult to talk about. The words don't seem to want to come out. Iolani knows me so well he can tell immediately that I'm nervous about something.
"Wren, you're nervousness is making me nervous. I know something's been on your mind. Just talk to me about it. Is something wrong?"
"Not really. Or not yet, I guess. I just need to tell you something and it's not really happy news... I have a... a... a potion of youth... I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it sooner; it's just that I didn't really even want to think about it much less talk about."
"Wren, you're nervousness is making me nervous. I know something's been on your mind. Just talk to me about it. Is something wrong?"
"Not really. Or not yet, I guess. I just need to tell you something and it's not really happy news... I have a... a... a potion of youth... I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it sooner; it's just that I didn't really even want to think about it much less talk about."
"What do you mean? Honey, why is that not happy news. This could be a really good thing. Are you just worried that a Proctor will find out you have it?" He asks.
"No it's not that. It's... I mean... think about it, Lan!"
"No it's not that. It's... I mean... think about it, Lan!"
"Er... I'm not following you." The utterly confused look on his face backs up what he's saying.
Frustrated, I pace a few steps away. Then spin back around.
Frustrated, I pace a few steps away. Then spin back around.
"Lan! I only have one! One potion! Don't you realize what that means? Only one of us can take it. And if one of us does... we'll have to watch the other grow old and... and -"
I see a look of shocked comprehension cross his face, but to my surprise it quickly disappears. "Well, why don't we just save it for Jay? He might need it some day." Lan's suggestion is one I'd thought of myself, but it just won't work - for reasons I'm about to spell out for him.
"But don't you see?! We need it now!"
"I guess I don't know what's so urgent -"
"Don't you see?! Maybe we should have talked about this more, before now. You remember what your parents were like after the Disaster. They weren't themselves anymore... couldn't take care of themselves, because something happened to their minds. And don't you remember what my mom said about my dad? Sounded like the same thing happened to him after the Disaster, didn't it? And I told you about how strange my Mom was acting right before she went missing. I've been thinking about it and I'm convinced her mind was deteriorating too."
"Honey, there have always been cases of mental illness of different sorts in the elderly."
"Don't -! I don't buy that argument! Not for each of our parents. Lan,what are the chances that both your parents would get sick at the same time? And my dad was perfectly healthy the last time I saw him, and he was already getting up there in age. He was older than your parents."
"Surely the government would tell us if there were some wide-spread -"
"Do you really think that?! Do you trust them that much?! Plus even if there's just a chance that I'm right about all this... we can't risk not using that potion. My best guess is that we're nearly the same age my mom was at the time of the Disaster. Who knows how much time we have before our minds start to go? We can't leave Jay to fend for himself - no not just himself; he'd have to take care of the both of us too. And he's not old enough yet, we can't put that on him."
I see a look of shocked comprehension cross his face, but to my surprise it quickly disappears. "Well, why don't we just save it for Jay? He might need it some day." Lan's suggestion is one I'd thought of myself, but it just won't work - for reasons I'm about to spell out for him.
"But don't you see?! We need it now!"
"I guess I don't know what's so urgent -"
"Don't you see?! Maybe we should have talked about this more, before now. You remember what your parents were like after the Disaster. They weren't themselves anymore... couldn't take care of themselves, because something happened to their minds. And don't you remember what my mom said about my dad? Sounded like the same thing happened to him after the Disaster, didn't it? And I told you about how strange my Mom was acting right before she went missing. I've been thinking about it and I'm convinced her mind was deteriorating too."
"Honey, there have always been cases of mental illness of different sorts in the elderly."
"Don't -! I don't buy that argument! Not for each of our parents. Lan,what are the chances that both your parents would get sick at the same time? And my dad was perfectly healthy the last time I saw him, and he was already getting up there in age. He was older than your parents."
"Surely the government would tell us if there were some wide-spread -"
"Do you really think that?! Do you trust them that much?! Plus even if there's just a chance that I'm right about all this... we can't risk not using that potion. My best guess is that we're nearly the same age my mom was at the time of the Disaster. Who knows how much time we have before our minds start to go? We can't leave Jay to fend for himself - no not just himself; he'd have to take care of the both of us too. And he's not old enough yet, we can't put that on him."
A horrified and defeated look dominates Lan's face. "You're right..." He whispers. "Of course, you're right. We can't risk it."
We stand in silence for a few short moments before the last hope for a happy solution crosses Lan's mind. Unfortunately it's a hope I have to squash.
We stand in silence for a few short moments before the last hope for a happy solution crosses Lan's mind. Unfortunately it's a hope I have to squash.
"Wait a minute!" He says, "Couldn't we both drink half the potion?"
I had thought of this too, but my hopes were defeated when I read the label on the bottle the potion came in. I sigh heavily before I respond. "That's what I wanted to do too, but the directions say the potion isn't effective unless you take the full dose."
With those words any remaining hopes the two of us had, of growing old and living out the remainder of our days together, pretty much crumble. One of us will have to drink that potion, so that one can be there for Jay if (or when) the other's mind starts to fail. The one who drinks the potion will at best have to watch the other grow old long before they themselves do. At worst they'll have to witness the other turn into a shell of their former self as they grow old.
After a lengthy discussion we decide that it should be me that drinks the potion. I'm in a better position to provide for Jay, thanks to the number of promotions I've been able to gain at the SIA. My house is in a safer zone than Lan's. I have higher level skills than Lan. I can mentor Jay in more areas than Lan. These are all reasons that Lan emphasized. They're all rational reasons, but I know he really doesn't want to be the one to have to witness the other's deterioration. And I don't blame him. He's such a romantic. Watching me, the woman he loves, grow old and weak, and eventually watching me die might be too much for him. Me? I'll have to pray for all the strength possible to bear it myself.
But bear it, I must. For my son, for my beloved Iolani I'll bear this responsibility. I know it's the right move, but I'm truly not looking forward to it. I've never looked forward to anything less.
I had thought of this too, but my hopes were defeated when I read the label on the bottle the potion came in. I sigh heavily before I respond. "That's what I wanted to do too, but the directions say the potion isn't effective unless you take the full dose."
With those words any remaining hopes the two of us had, of growing old and living out the remainder of our days together, pretty much crumble. One of us will have to drink that potion, so that one can be there for Jay if (or when) the other's mind starts to fail. The one who drinks the potion will at best have to watch the other grow old long before they themselves do. At worst they'll have to witness the other turn into a shell of their former self as they grow old.
After a lengthy discussion we decide that it should be me that drinks the potion. I'm in a better position to provide for Jay, thanks to the number of promotions I've been able to gain at the SIA. My house is in a safer zone than Lan's. I have higher level skills than Lan. I can mentor Jay in more areas than Lan. These are all reasons that Lan emphasized. They're all rational reasons, but I know he really doesn't want to be the one to have to witness the other's deterioration. And I don't blame him. He's such a romantic. Watching me, the woman he loves, grow old and weak, and eventually watching me die might be too much for him. Me? I'll have to pray for all the strength possible to bear it myself.
But bear it, I must. For my son, for my beloved Iolani I'll bear this responsibility. I know it's the right move, but I'm truly not looking forward to it. I've never looked forward to anything less.
I'm sure that taking the potion at any point now would give Jay enough time to grow and mature to be able to handle whatever may come his way. So I decide to drink it as soon as possible. The very next night, while alone, I pick up the glass.
Lan wants me to wait a little while longer before drinking it. That's why I'm doing this alone. He has a hollow hope of finding a second potion somewhere. I am tempted to delay, but I know it's useless to hope for that second potion.
And the sooner I drink this, the smaller the age gap between the two of us will be.
Lan wants me to wait a little while longer before drinking it. That's why I'm doing this alone. He has a hollow hope of finding a second potion somewhere. I am tempted to delay, but I know it's useless to hope for that second potion.
And the sooner I drink this, the smaller the age gap between the two of us will be.
Just drink it! Get it over with, Wren! I tell myself.
Then I chug it down as quickly as possible.
Oh my Watcher! It's done. I drank it.