I wish there was a more optimistic way of describing things, but that pretty much sums it up. Life goes on.
We searched and searched for my mother. Never found her, but life goes on.
We still don't have access to running water, but life goes on.
We can't get married legally, but life goes on.
At least the last one hasn't had the negative impact we originally thought it would. We've been denied the legal formality, but Lan says sometimes we just have to choose not to let other people have control over our lives. As far as we're concerned we are married even if the government won't grant it legally. So he basically lives here with me now. Not officially, but he stays overnight more often than not. He would stay all the time, but they do periodic checks in the restricted zones to make sure everyone is accounted for. He has to keep up appearances and make sure his shelter looks lived in.
Enough time has passed that I've come to accept the fact that I'll never see my mother again. At least not in this life. She seems to have just disappeared. I'm still heartbroken, but... You can only spend so much time grieving. She wouldn't want me to waste away. Life goes on.
I worried for a time that I was becoming ill. I felt so tired most of the time. I felt nauseated a lot too. One day I failed in the battle to keep my government rations down. I tried to keep these things from Iolani, because I didn't want him to worry. I was worrying enough for the both of us. Is it radiation sickness? Or is it something else? Perhaps something worse?
After feeling sick on and off for a bout a week, I realized there was another symptom I hadn't noticed before.
I felt relieved, worried, happy, scared, excited, and I don't know how many other emotions all at the same time. I was so conflicted, because I wasn't sure I liked the idea of bringing a child into this world as it is. When I was a teen I had dreamed of one day getting married and eventually starting my own family. But things had changed, hadn't they?
I waited longer than I probably should to tell Lan about the pregnancy. In my mind I kept thinking of it as the "possible pregnancy". But as the weeks passed and my symptoms continued I knew I needed to tell him, before the little bump that was starting to show on my abdomen grew any bigger.
"Are you sure?" he asked. I just nodded in answer. "I - I don't really know what to say. How are we going to do this?" To his credit I think even in that moment his initial reaction was all about concern for my health and that of the baby. Because even as horribly as I had broke the news I could see a spark of joy dancing in his eyes - after the shock wore off that is.
There were just so many things to be miserable about. There's no way to satisfy any of those pregnancy cravings. I just had to force down those bland rations even when my stomach protested. There were plenty of aches and pains, swollen feet, sore back. And on top of all there's all the unique worries that result from the current state of the world. No modern comforts to help relieve the normal stress of pregnancy. No doctors, so I worried constantly about the baby's health. Not to mention all the worries about actually raising a child in this environment.
For the most part though, I think we just tried to keep from getting our hopes up too high. So much can go wrong during childbirth, I know we were both scared. And we didn't pick out a name before hand. For one thing we obviously had no way of knowing if our baby was a boy or a girl. I think we also came to the mutual conclusion that picking names ahead of time would be bad luck.
But I made it through. We made it through.
"No, I was waiting for you, so we could decide together. Do you have one in mind? I was thinking we could name him after my mom in some way, so maybe something that starts with a J."
"Hmmm... J... Well, here's an idea. Did I ever tell you the meaning my dad taught me behind my name?" Iolani asked.
"Something about a hawk, right?" I tried to remember what he had once told me.
"It means, 'To fly like a hawk'. It's seems kind of like fate that both of us have bird-related names doesn't it? I think we should start, or rather continue the tradition."
This floored me. "I never realized... I love that idea! So what bird starts with the letter J? Or did you want something more traditional like your name?"
"I was thinking... Jay. As in, J-A-Y. What do you think?"
"I think it's perfect. Our little Jay." I remember smiling. "I hope he grows up happy and healthy. And that one day he can fly away from the nest to a better life."